i’ve been thinking often about the hedgehog’s dilemma recently. i haven’t been a live for very long but so far i have found human connection to be the most powerful, fulfilling experience. the beauty and overwhelming joy of love and vulnerability comes at such a steep cost. sometimes i feel as though i have been tore apart or i feel a bit like jesus during the last supper, when judas kissed him. i imagine the look in judas’ eye and i know how it feels when someone looks at you that way. the infinite pain of knowing you let them be close enough to kiss-betray you. i am starting to see relationships differently now, after these thoughts and experiences. i don’t like to see the potential pain of another person hurting me as a risk i am taking. it is more just a thing that happens, inevitable in a world in which i am vulnerable enough to experience being loved. it is the price that i pay, gladly, for the soft-warm touch of another person.

[i discovered this page on a-website-is-a-room.net and i think it seems really cool and fun,, i hope i did this right, being 18 is like waking up and realizing you know absolutely nothing about anything! i wanted to write about my thoughts without coming across too much like i dont know what im doing]